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Fasten Yo Seatbelts, Elevator Going U-u-u-u-u-up!

May 22nd, 2016 · Tags:Airports · Cities · Hotels · Satire

I must admit, the travel life can be pretty interesting … and on the other hand, sometimes it becomes mundane.  That’s when I try to find the good in all … or more accurately, just have fun with it.

Take elevators.  Pretty mundane, but there’s got to be something interesting about them.  Don’t they call an elevator a “lift” in other parts of the world … the UK or wherever?  Why do I ask?  Do you ever notice the brand names on elevators?  My current hotel, the Hilton Garden Inn, has an elevator made by Schindler.  So … I am wondering if anyone has ever called that a Schindler’s lift?  Just sayin’ …

I have had some awkward moments of silence on elevators … and I’ve had those moments when someone wanted to instantly bond, and I couldn’t wait to bust out of the elevator and run to freedom.

Sometimes, I like to shorten the word elevator to just “’vater.”  And then accordingly, sometimes when a full elevator is closing too quickly as I approach, I call to the people inside, “Hold that ‘vater, Darth!”  Sometimes there is a Star Wars fan on board and they stop and let me on.

There is a blog on this site about one of the most awkward moments ever — at least from my perspective — the day I was sharing an elevator with four members of the Hells Angels motorcycle club, after the funeral for a fallen member in Winston-Salem, NC — the local president, who had been assassinated.

Angels On The Lift

Ha … remember when every entrepreneur or marketing person in the world was advised to have an “elevator spiel” to explain their company and/or its marketing objectives in two minutes or less? Ha! No, I didn’t try my travel blog spiel on the H-Angels … I think they could see that I was a pencil-necked, geek blogger without me explaining that to them … I digress.

Today’s elevator moment at the Hilton Gardens was a bit less stressful. The Hilton Garden Inn — with great Wi-Fi, by the way — is a stone’s throw from Houston’s George Bush Intercontinental Airport, north of the city.  I mean … you can feel the jetliners passing over … more than one red-eye flight has interrupted my quirky dreams.  I bet passengers on planes can see our pool … ha … I better cover up then.  Just kidding … So … any who … being so close to the airport, there are lots of flight crews lodging here as well.

Today, five uniformed crew persons from United Airlines (I think) hopped on the elevator as I held the door open for them.  As is customary, the crew reported their respective destinations (floors) to me, as I punched in the coordinates (floors). As luck would have it, we were all on the same floor.

I seized the opportunity … “cccccccccc – uuuuuuuugh” …(in a nasal, garbled voice) “This is your captain …  Today, we will be flying non-stop to your final destination, the third floor.  If you’ll direct your attention this way, you will see the elevator exit clearly marked” (as I gestured with two hands, upright and parallel, signaling their eyes to move past me to the door.) Ha … the elevator started to move, and paused, and shook for a second.  “The captain has turned on the seatbelt light, as we have encountered a little bit of turbulence.”

Playing off the normal safety precautions mentioned in the pre-flight ritual, I asked that my passengers — in the event that there was any loss of elevator pressure or oxygen — by all means, get me some air first.

Ha! How I wished it had been a longer flight (ride).  I wondered just how many cheesy lines I could come up with, for fun, but also for payback for all the times we travelers have heard an airline’s talking points.  Come to think of it … I should have made them check some of their oversized bags at the door, on the first floor …

In a matter of a few seconds, we could feel the elevator slowing to a stop.  “Turn off all cell phones and electronic devices … Flight crew, prepare for landing,” I added.

As the doors opened, I stood beside the door holding the buttons so they could wheel out their bags. I smiled at each one and told them thanks for “choosing PingWi-Fi and for ‘flying with us.’”

After all of the crew members had “de-elevator-ed” and were wheeling their matching bags down the hall, I finished tidying up the elevator — knowing it was scheduled for a quick turnaround, so to speak … and I climbed off.

That’s when one of the flight attendants turned back, and smiled and said, “You work for Southwest, don’t you?”

Ha … Southwest Airlines is a fun group.  I was flattered.

Know what I sayin?