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Most Rude Behavior Overcome With Wi-Fi In Sky

October 22nd, 2009 · Tags:Airports · Satire · Wi-Fi

Recently, I touched down ever so briefly in St. Louis, and looked forward to the characteristic smile/charm of a Southwest Airlines ticket agent — to get me on my way for the next leg of the journey. In fact, I was on my way to Media Day at Southwest Airlines headquarters in Dallas.

Then it happened …

First just let me say that I realize I get more crotchety every day … but since I was a teen, there has been one thing I just cant tolerate. The ability is nowhere within me to just turn the other cheek when someone rudely and blatantly cuts in line.

Well … my pet peeve came into play in St. Louis. There were two people in front of me and two ticket agents. I tend to be somewhat polite and orderly, so I formed a line to patiently wait. And of course some overweight, balding “gentleman” with the kind of thick mustache that drives a “profiler” crazy … walks right in front of me to cut.

Did I take it silently? Not today boss.

“Excuse me … I was next in line.”

Those are magic words. If you say them, you know instantly if you are the “arse” or if the other person is the horse’s arse — by their response.

If the other person politely says, “Oh, I am sorry. I didn’t realize, blah, blah …” well then you know they are somewhat familiar with the customs of a civilized culture. But, if they look at you and turn away nonchalantly … well profile correct — you have identified a line-jumping jackass.

My field research indicated this was in fact a L-JJA …

And no , I wouldn’t just let it be. Again, I said, “Excuse me … I was next in line, do you mind?”

He glanced over, then ignored my comment and went on with some long, pointless question directed toward the ticket agent.

I am not surprised. I mean if there were no such thing as “man’s inhumanity to man” there would be no bestsellers, right?

But this surprised me … no shocked me … The ticket agent began giving me funny looks and when it was my turn — again — she questioned me a bit. It seems, she had noticed I had a special Southwest pass and wanted to know if I too was an employee of the airline. HA … she was going to defend the jerky boy and thought I was the problem …

I was torn. On the one hand, she was attempting to do the right thing on behalf of her company … but that wasn’t really my concern at the time.

I saw what appeared to be a little hating in her eyes … then a look of surprise when I told her I was a journalist traveling to meet and visit with the executives who run her company.

I am sure she was secretly, mentally suffocating me with one of those cute little on-board airline pillows in her mind. But she turned the frown upside down and wished me a happy flight.

Quickly, I left the line … and I took a seat to check for Wi-Fi. There was a Boingo signal and a network offering free Wi-Fi … then of course, it was time to board.

My Wi-Fi pleasure had been shortchanged by a jerk who never learned to take turns … bummer.

But, contrary to what some may believe, I do have a conscience. I went back to the agent and apologized to her if I “came across rude or impatient.” I was not, but still … And as I explained, I directed my comments directly to a passenger who needed a good talking to.

She never really cut me any slack … just explained that she questioned my behavior because she thought I was an employee too. Hmmm … I don’t think that fits the fun-loving culture I have always seen on this airline. Oh well …

My bad .. Should have let fat baldy man go on through life just dumping on everyone around him. Then the ticket agent could have had a nice day too.

Anyway … I got on my flight and as luck would have it … no Wi-Fi there either!

I was not going to let all this get me down. I put on my creative hat and decided to compile a list of all the fun things to do in lieu of Wi-Fi on a plane.

Yes, sophomoric … but it is what it is. If you don’t have Wi-Fi on your flight, try this:

Make notes of all the sarcastic Tweets you intend to send when you land.

Do a slide show on your laptop screen from rotten.com, featuring morgue photos and closeups of meat grinder limbs.

Reflect sunlight from window into sleeping passenger’s face, using watch face as a mirror. You can draw light beards and stuff like that.

Rub stocking feet on carpet wall near restrooms. Go up and down aisle “accidentally” shocking passengers’ ears with static electricity.

Strike up debate on whether it is the absolute best strategy to grab the air mask for the kids first or for yourself.

Play recording of common cell phone ring on your laptop speakers and watch people reach for their cell phones instinctively.

Plug one pair of earbuds into ears and one pair into nostrils for quadrophonic effect, much to the bewilderment of other passengers.

Loudly imitate any child that cries out during the duration of the flight.

Challenge the guy next to you to a good thumb wrestle since he doesn’t realize the armrests are the dividers between seats.

Bet the guy beside you 10 bucks that you can tell him what brand he smokes by the smell of his dank jacket.

Breath rapidly and loudly into the brown paper bag at five-minute intervals.  See if you can start domino effect.

Watch horrible Queen Latifah flick on the screen for others to see.

Walk the length of the aisle, toward a bathroom, with unlit cigarette in your mouth. Return to seat with the cig hidden in your pocket.

Tap the guy in front of you and tell him that you are going to pretend you don’t know he is farting. (He probably is.)

Holy distraction, Batman … I digress from the list because — I just saw a fly on a plane. Never before … Immediately my mind rushed to the old high school physics question … I wondered if as the fly flew to the back of the plane if it was literally … I don’t know … like flying 600 m.p.h. or something like that … LOL.

So anyway … obviously it would be much more productive to just have Wi-Fi on planes … How long will that be?

Here is the latest from Southwest CEO Gary Kelly in a brief clip from Southwest Airlines Media Day:

Know what I sayin?