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Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive (Toyotas) Engaged, Unless It’s Wi-Fi

February 26th, 2010 · Tags:Satire · Wi-Fi

Years ago I read this funny quip. I think it was in Reader’s Digest … man I used to love me some R’s-D … what with things like “I Am Joe’s Pancreas” and stuff like that … I digress.

Anyway, some reader related a true story about a car swerving through traffic … prolly a Toyota (but that’s another story). The driver in the rear (not a “The Office” joke) accelerated to catch the swerving vehicle. As he approached, he was amused to read a bumper sticker on the wreckless car, stating “Hang Up And Drive!” … obviously an anti-cell phone voter.

As driver number two attempted to pass the whack, anti-talk driver, he was shocked. The flippant driver, who proclaimed to be so concerned about others’ safety, was shaving with a rechargeable razor as he drove.

Oh well … at least he wasn’t talking on a phone!

By now you may have guessed that I think total cell phone restriction … other than in school zones, where you are already supposed to slow your driving and talking to 20 m.p.h. — is just about the most myopic thing I have ever heard.

Trust me … the people who cannot multi-task well enough to talk and drive probably shouldn’t be behind the wheel in the first place. And chewing gum is out of the question!

In fact, I much more prefer stringent testing and licensing before anyone is given the privilege of driving on a public road.

Ha … this coming from a guy who blogs with a laptop driving down stretches of (empty) highway … don’t tell anyone.

But, I am also an advocate for fairness. So, I am willing to concede blogging while driving, texting, IMing, tweeting and even talking on the phone … just as soon as we remove some of the other accidents-waiting-to-happen from the road.

NOTE: I will not give up “war driving” with a Wi-Fi antenna made from steel washers and an old Pringle’s Potato Chip can — used to find unlocked Wi-Fi networks … because that’s recycle-ing-ing.

So, where do we start? I suggest these are a great place, the “10 dumbest, even more unsafe alternatives to driving and talking on the phone”:

10. Carrying on a conversation with a person in the passenger seat, and turning to look at them when you finish every sentence with “know what I mean?”. (Don’t tell me you don’t do this.)

9. Contorting, turning around 180 degrees while navigating a mini-van, to ensure that little Sarah and little Michael both get exactly the same number of reduced-sugar cookies for equality in a perfect world.

8.  Throwing empty beer bottles at traffic signs. (“We were recycle-ing-ing, occifer.”)

7. Flossing your dog’s teeth as he sits in your lap, drooling saliva all over the door-mount rear view mirror.

6. Applying clown makeup for the next bachelorette party gig.

5. Twisting the sun visor mirror to reflect and bounce sunlight into the opposing drivers’ eyes, hoping to gain a perceived advantage in stop-and-go traffic.

Wait, do kids still car surf?

4. Changing your mock turtleneck, cable-stitched sweater because you know it is just all wrong with those corduroy slacks.

3. Tripping on the tiny people in the rear of the car, as viewed through the fisheye mirror in today’s new Toyotas.

2. Excelling at karaoke and choreography with the Violent Femmes’ “Blister In The Sun” blasting from your satellite radio unit.

1. Watchin yo sef look all cool and sexy in the mirror as you insecurely puff cancer-causing poison from a tiny rolled piece of paper, not worrying about how bad it makes you smell from about 30 feet away, literally.

Call me … we’ll ride together, if you dare.

Know what I sayin?