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It’s Not The End … Just Blogging About Nothing

March 7th, 2010 · Tags:Satire

Occasionally, I blog about nothing — dating back to the days before I migrated my content over from a MySpace blog.

Remember MySpace? I digress.

So … “blogs about nothing” — it’s what I know most about.

Well … I was driving home the other night thinking about some friends who have a new baby. That thought reminded me of when I was in that stage of life.

Who can forget that very first time when the doctors/nurses scatter and leave you — the new parents — in the hospital room with an hours-old newborn?

Sheer terror! “Wait! What do we do? You’re not going to just leave us, are you?”

It got better.

As my daydream continued, I thought about what an adjustment it is — a complete life overhaul — to suddenly have another human joined to your hip … figuratively speaking … a human who messes itself at the most inopportune times … a human who will swallow any object it can gets its pie hole around … blah, blah, blah.

Well for me, this whole parent thing was quite an adjustment.

I wonder how new parents make it.

It occurred to me that I used to have to play mental games to make myself more relaxed in this new “job description” — dad.

Here’s an example.

My first Christmas as a dad found me babysitting one night. (Or, if it was my kid, would that be care giving?) I didn’t know what to do with an infant, or maybe technically a near-toddler. So, I decided to do something I enjoyed and to incorporate the child into my fun.

Well … that Christmas, I tried my hand at America’s Most Absurd Videos.

I shot this video with lots of holiday colored lights and a tree in the background. Occasionally, the camera would catch me whizzing by — in and out of the frame.

In the background there was music playing loudly — not exactly a Christmas carol — it was R.E.M.’s “The End of the World As We Know It.”

Ha! Sometimes new parents feel like it’s the end, as they kiss goodbye their carefree lifestyles to take on hospital bills, childcare, education, insurance, car payments, etc.

So anyway … in the video, as Michael Stipe of R.E.M. was speeding through lyrics about earthquakes and Lenny Bruce or whatever … the camera was focused on my new son. He was sitting — no slumping — in a high chair, just barely able to hold himself up.

Man was he drooling. At that point in his career, it was what he did best … mmm … maybe second best.

Can you picture that?

Then, all of the sudden, his arms flew up in the air and his eyes about popped out of his head.

The camera microphone recorded a crash. A bright blue object bounced off the stainless steel tray of the high chair. Crash! Then a red flash bounced off the tray … then yellow.

For whatever reason, I was trying to entertain myself and stimulate the boy’s brain by tossing small colored balls onto the tray in front of him.

Clank!

“It’s the end of the world as we know it.”

Clank!

“It’s the end of the world as we know it.”

Clank!

Each time, he jumped. He didn’t cry. He was too young to laugh or make fun of his old man.

He seemed fascinated.

I have to wonder if somewhere, in the most remote corners of his psyche, if there is a vague — perhaps repressed — memory … or scar … or whatever.

He probably gets all melancholy when he hears that song … or takes cover.

As for me … I won’t lie. I was hoping that video mental exercise would give him uncanny hand-eye coordination and propel him one day into the Major Leagues.

I think I still have the video somewhere.

It’s not important. Just a little story about how we do what we do — the best we can.

… A blog about nothing.

Know what I sayin?