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Wi-Fi Heeds Warnings: Thailand Is Hotspot For No Good Today

January 13th, 2012 · Tags:Cities · Satire · Wi-Fi

War Of The Roses

War Of The Roses

On New Year’s Eve in Bangkok, my buddies and I felt a little more secure when we saw a huge police presence throughout the city, particularly in the downtown area, where — with a cast of hundreds of thousands — we would ring in 2012.

Ha! We now know that there were terrorist rumblings about a NYE plot in the city, but it fell through.

Then yesterday, I received a forwarded e-mail from my buddy Steve. He was sent a direct e-mail from The United States Embassy in Bangkok warning him that a more credible, specific threat now exists. In summary, two terrorism suspects have been tracked into Thailand and are said to be planning to target western tourists at Thai attractions.

They Got One

“Rut roh!” (Expressed in my best Thai accent.)

As my buddy Steve would say, “Good looking out!”

WAIT A SECOND! “Steve, you got a personal warning from the U.S. Embassy?” Steve said he doesn’t even know how they got his e-mail address. Well, I do … or I assume our e-mails are on the paperwork we submitted for our travel visas here. The embassy should have an accounting of pretty much every U.S. citizen in the country. OR … better yet, maybe the U.S. Embassy has been stalking Steve on Facebook and want to be his BFF (if you don’t know the abbreviation, stop here … and no it is not an acronym, officially, unless it can be pronounced as a word like NASA or SCUBA … )

Old and New

Old and New

I digress …

Anyway … get this … I have been trading e-mails with who? … Yes … the U.S. Embassy in Bangkok for several days, seeking information on how a travel writer might plan a side trip to China and expedite the visa process. So, I have been in direct contact with them, and I have received NO warning whatsoever from the people who are making a pretty sweet living here in an exotic country, paid to protect my arse. Thanks guys. “Good looking out!” I mean … who’s in charge over there, Hillary Clinton?

Ha … speaking of Hillary Clinton .. timing is everything. If you are not reading @PingWiFi tweets on Twitter, I strongly advise it to all of you, my 20-some-odd readers.

Yesterday, I broke my own personal code of decency on Twitter. I dared to be politically incorrect, although I usual buffer my comments a bit. Yesterday, I had just watched a BBC (pretty much our only English-speaking news program here at our Wi-Fi-less hotel) regarding a video that is making the rounds on the Internet. The video purportedly shows a group of U.S. Marines (hu-aaah!) urinating on the remains of some dead Taliban trash.

Oh … the outrage in political correctdom!

Although I do not condone this ceremonial cleansing of the bodies, performed by our Bad Ass Boys From Company C … or whoever. I suggest “Get over it!”

Let’s just be logical for a second. These Taliban scumbags have just been killed. They probably don’t care what is going on with their former sack of Shiite remains.  (Oh … yes, even I know that Bin Laden and company ain’t Shi-ite.  But it is such a great redneck pun …)  I mean … don’t get me wrong, I don’t want either happening to me … killing or unceremonious washing. But if I had to choose one or the other … hah … sign me up for the shower.

New topic …

So anywho, yesterday I had just seen this shocking video, with the private parts and the Taliban members blurred on the footage on the BBC. And then of course — I will cut her a little (very little) slack, Hillary Clinton was at the podium condemning the actions of the U.S. Marines in question. Yes … I get it, that is what she has to do on record, considering we have many strategic allies in the Middle East. But … Ha! I bet behind closed doors, President Obama and Mrs. Clinton were probably giving Semper Fi high fives all around the Oval Office, just like they did when they finished off and took all the credit for finishing the job on Ben Laden.

Ha … Yes we buried that sack at sea, as you will recall. I bet there were more than a few Hitler mustaches painted on and other shenanigans carried out with old Ben’s body after he was exterminated. Probably a good idea to flush the evidence out at sea.

But anyway …

So back to my point, if i can remember it … Oh yes. I watched Hillary say the right things on the BBC report, and then I couldn’t take it any more. I threw caution to the wind and got on Twitter. (If you don’t have it, get Tweetdeck to trull enjoy Twitter).

My tweet went something like this. (Unlike the PingWi-Fi rambling, freeform blog, remember that tweet messages are restricted to only 140 characters …)

And I quote:
“I wouldn’t urinate on a Taliban if he was on fire & wanted me to put him ou

Then I threw in a few key hashtags to make sure more people saw it and were purposefully enraged or encouraged, depending on which side of this p..sing … er … pressing issue they might stand. (Ha! I accidentally made another off color Hillary joke … p–sing and stand in the same sentence. Ha! Yes that was over the line … apologies!) Hashtags? Oh, like #Marines #SemperFi and #Hillary Clinton

So then what happens? Later in the day after I have badmouthed the bad guys on Twitter, I hear that there is a terrorist warning — something about a plot uncovered to attack Western tourists in Bangkok.

Well guess where I am taking my big mouth today. Ha … I may have to go in disguise. Hmmm … maybe Thai tuk-tuk driver apparel? Monk in burnt orange toga? Long-haired, side-burned Wavy Gravy type … Possibly? Lady boy? … Ha … no way … But, let’s just say that I will take it under consideration and NOT wear the old earth-friendly PingWi-Fi t-shirt today in Bangkok.

Oh … great idea. Just in case any of my 20-some-odd readers are Taliban, I will use clever diversionary tactics. If you are looking for me … Well first of all just let me say I hope you get waterboarded until you learn to say the Pledge of Allegiance underwater. But anyway … If you are looking for me, Tallies. Stay away from Wi-Fi hotspots and don’t go to any of these attractions. I will not be there … really. You can trust my word.

Meanwhile, looks like Mrs. Clinton is busy in the region … in Burma, just to the north …

Hillary Does Burma

Know what I saying?

Such a beautiful, charming country … so of course the terrorists want to come here and mess with paradise …  Again, I will not be at these places …

Will not be hanging with Thai Dancers, either.

Will not be hanging with Thai Dancers, either.

No hangin with golden goddess bling chick at palace

No hangin with golden goddess bling chick at palace

Ha! ... This may be my disguise

Ha! ... This may be my disguise

Clue:  I will be with many brunettes

Clue: I will be with many brunettes

Lop Buri shrine monkey ... potential disguise too

Lop Buri shrine monkey ... potential disguise too

Give up ... We blend in too well to be found

Give up ... We blend in too well to be found

If you want to look for me up there, knock yourself out

If you want to look for me up there, knock yourself out

Prolly be home before sun goes down

We are neither here nor there

We are neither here nor there

With our shades, we are so like incognito

With our shades, we are so like incognito