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Subway Sandwiches – The Ruin Of Many A Poor Boy

September 16th, 2012 · Tags:Satire

 

I was beginning to wonder if “The Dirty Gig” was ever going to give up another blog.

But it did … one of those I might also file under N … for blogs about nothing. The other day, my colleagues and I were having lunch in the office on-site at the most recent disaster job. (This time the Dirty Gig is cleanup at a document storage facility … not unlike the calamity that took us to New Zealand last year …)

To break the monotony and to drown out the loud crunching of Sun Chips, we set one of the computers on a classic rock Pandora music channel.

Just as one guy came in and sat down for lunch, Pandora played “The House Of The Rising Sun” by The Animals. You know it right …

“There is a house in New Orleans

They call the Rising Sun

And it’s been the ruin of many a poor boy

And God I know I’m one …”

 

So, jokingly I quipped “Now there’s a song that was written about Al.” My buddy Al is a character — one of many “characters” I have met on location at The Dirty Gig. He’s a great guy … and he is a duck.

 

Not an odd-duck as my dad might have said — a real duck — an Oregon duck. Al was an Oregon Duck before it was cool, long before they were sporting the greatest uniforms in all of sports. (Have you seen how they are wearing the O on the back of their helmets this year, sort of like a ball cap turned backwards? … I digress …)

 

Al played linebacker for the Ducks back in the day, and frankly, I probably still wouldn’t mess with him — although he always has a smile on his face and a laugh …

 

Oh … and speaking of animals … (several paragraphs above) … Did I mention that after he was a duck, Al was in the film “Animal House?” How cool is that? “Thank you sir. May I have another?” and all that …

 

No Al wasn’t one of the frat boys who took a paddling in “Animal House,” although he probably “took a lickin.” He was a stunt man or a stunt double.

 

Remember in the fratboy classic movie when John Belushi or “Bluto” found nirvana? He scaled the ladder propped up against a sorority house and peeped in as the girls were unaware. As he enjoyed, his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell backwards off the ladder with a smile on his face.

 

Al took the fall for Belushi.

 

So that is who Al is … a character … a stuntman … “the legend” as I like to say to him.

 

Anywho, so that is why when The Animals were singing “House Of The Rising Sun” about a lad gone bad that I said “OH yes, a song about Al,” just as the part aired about “the ruin of many a good boy …”

 

Ha. I thought it was really funny. I think Al did too because he laughed and I went on having my way with my Sun Chips. Then … a second or two later I looked over and Al’s face was purple!

 

Al had in fact laughed … perhaps a little too hard and breathed in a little too much of a Subway sandwich. Ha … once a stuntman always a stuntman.

 

Hey … no kidding. Al was choking. I hopped up and rushed over to him. Now remember he was once a linebacker, so before i put my arms around him from behind I asked him if he was okay and gestured to him to see if he wanted to be all Heimliched and everything.

 

HA … why did i gesture? He was choking — not me. I could still talk. His windpipe was clogged not his ears. I don’t know. But it is what I did.

 

He sort of nodded yes, and waved for me to come on. So I was just about to lock him in a bear hug with the palm of my hand near his abs when he started coughing more and breathing. Ha … when he finally drew air again he was still laughing about it.

 

It was pretty scary for a couple of seconds … you know when he was coughing and choking. Then it was funny and we made jokes about it.

 

“Al, anytime you need a squeeze from behind, you just let me know.” LOL.

 

So my chance to bear hug a duck on The Dirty Gig faded.

 

Obviously, things sometimes get pretty boring on the Dirty Gig and we amuse ourselves however possible. Here’s another example. Remember the Subway sandwich that nearly took Al’s life? Well … we have eaten SWsands for two months straight. That is what is provided on the job and we don’t take time to leave. So, of course we all joke about how we have such a newfound respect for Jared … Jared the guy who lived on Subway as he crossed the country or whatever. I mean … I love me some Subway … but EVERY Day?

 

Anywho … since we have Subway delivered every day, we also have built up quite a stockpile of leftover condiments. And all of those are in the office. There is a huge box of mayonnaise, red wine vinegar, mustard packets … whatever. Well the other day, right after lunch, a worker came to the door asking for five Bandaids. Being the smart arse, I acted like I didn’t hear him correctly.

 

Typically there is a pretty good chance that I did misunderstand. But this time, I new he said Bandaids … So, for grins I held out a closed hand and dropped five packets of mayonnaise in his outstretched hand. Ha … the look on his face as he thought about my serious hearing issues. Then I held out the other hand with Bandaids to reveal just how funny I think I can be.

 

I said we get bored.

 

My only other source of joy on the job is another daily ritual — every bit as clockwork-like as our Subway delivery. Each day a worker knocks on the door of the office ands asks for two boxes of RFID tracking tags to place on the boxes he is packaging. And each day, I grab one full box and one empty one. As he stretches out his arms, I act like both boxes are heavy … and he braces for the weight … only to see my goofy grin as he realizes I have tricked him again. Now of course, sometimes I mix it up and give him full boxes when he expects one to be empty.

 

Oh … The Dirty Gig.

 

Know what I sayin?