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PingWi-Fi Can’t Decide Whether Or Not To Walk This Way

January 9th, 2016 · Tags:Gadgets · Satire · Wi-Fi

It’s gonna be a long, winding blog … pace yourself, but stay with me.  Several friends post results on line when they complete a 4-mile run or whatever.  And recently, I retweeted an Internet item about a guy in The UK who had planned various runs, in which the map of his route formed the shape of Star Wars characters.

And speaking of SkyWalker … I have also been hearing a lot about smartphone apps that measure how many steps you take while you quail hunt, or Christmas shop, or walk your dog, or binge shop at the mall … or whatever.

Do you have this?

Not me … so, no idea what the best one is.  I guess I will have to test walk some of them.  In my preliminary research, I stumbled upon this article that lists a few of the frontrunners from a few months back:

Pedometer Apps

It sounds pretty cool.  But, like most things, I have to think about it a bit before I just rush in, guns blazing, so to speak.

Here’s my step-by-step “analysis” …

  • Can you set a limit to the number of steps for the day or activity, so that you get an alert on your smart phone when you are dangerously approaching, say like 20,000th steps or whatever you think your limit should be? “Sorry babe.  I have no choice … You go on ahead up the trail. I just got an alert and I have to sit right here, right now.”
  • You can bet someone is working on a plan to monetize this new craze.  Street walking? Can street walkers use the app, divide by the number of steps and figure their cost per thousand to maximize output?
  • If you turn around, does the app take steps off the meter, like Ferris Bueller jacking up the car on blocks and running it in reverse to take miles off the odometer?
  • If you have an injury and a resulting limp, do you lose style points or get partial credit for steps?
  • Will the app allow you to calculate the steps to the next Wi-Fi hotspot?
  • Moving sidewalks or escalators must really throw a wrench in the walks … er … works
  • Is the walk counter okay with you exercising your right to open carry.  Or does the app curl up in the fetal position because you choose to protect yourself?
  • Does the app discriminate against either gender?  Does it take note if you “walk like a man” or if your “boots are made for walking?”
  • Are NBA stars exempt from an app that measures “walking.”  Or do they get to take three steps before the app counts it as walking?
  • Is there a Christian-based version of the app to measure your “walk” with The Lord?
  • If you walk like an Egyptian, do hieroglyphics appear on the screen of your smart phone?
  • Does anyone use the app in LA?
  • Does “pace yourself” mean to take a selfie in this app?
  • Do any characters on The Walking Dead use the app?
  • What background music should play, as the app is calculating or rebooting?  “Walk Away”?  “Walk This Way”? “Walk On The Wild Side”? “Do The Walk Of Life”? “Walkin The Floor Over You”? “I Walk The Line”? “I’m Walking”? “Sleep Walking”? … I digress.
  • And what about sleep walking … Does that preserve battery life of your smart phone, when you use this app, but you’re asleep?
  • If you are monitoring your steps for health reasons … Is something easy — like a “cakewalk” — a good thing or a bad thing?
  • Can an aborigine use this (and GPS) on their coming of age, “walkabout” in the outback? Or is that asking too much of connectivity?
  • Are there imitation apps out there … that are not quite as accurate, but cheaper … a step down in quality if you will?
  • Does the app appeal to all demographics … you know, people from all walks of life.
  • What does the app do? Does it have special, funny emoji that display on your smartphone if you have to do the “walk of shame” or heaven forbid “the perp walk” in handcuffs?
  • Do you have to walk before you can run this app?
  • And lastly, if you walk with a skip in your step, does the app judge you?

Know what I sayin?