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Lipstick Matters, In Vision Quest For Parking Spot

January 24th, 2018 · Tags:Cities · Coffee Shops · Satire


@pingwifi, SquareRüt Kava Bar, Austin, Texas

I get an eye examination and new glasses about every 10 years, whether I need it or not. Ha. Of course the doctors tell us we need to be checked every year. I’ve tried that and guess what, not only do you get a new pair of glasses every year, but the eyes seem to weaken exponentially. I mean, if you walk with crutches, your legs are going to atrophy, right? I digress.

Well, my old pair were so scratched it is hard to say if the prescription was right or not, so I had no choice. Must have glasses.

Ha … I looked at the new frames I was persuaded to buy and I’ll be dang, but they look just like the preppy ones I had in college … the ones I now hate in all of the old photos. What was I thinking?

Yes, I succumbed to the fashion police working in the optician boutique. They of course wanted me to have the most nouveau, most fashionable and most gimmicky pair … caring little about how the glasses actually blend with my big old head. I ended up with some Japanese design that are “frames within frames.” Ha … that should make me see better:) (Shout out to @BlakeKuwahara, btw …)

Ha! They’re almost like Elton-John-freakish-big and so statement-making. When I have glasses this big, or when I see them on other people, I refer to them as face weapons. Just think …. one mistimed turn around a corner … and somebody’s getting cut. (Ironically, Sir Elton announced his three-year final tour as I was writing this …)

Anywho … my glasses were finally ready so I rode over to the new swanky place … called Clear … Great name. Even with my old scratched lenses, I immediately noticed that one of the glass front doors of the shop had been broken and replaced with a piece of plywood. Picture the two doors side by side … kind of like two big, vertical eyes and one of them wearing an eyepatch. I digress …

Curious by nature, I asked if a blinder-than-me customer had accidentally walked through the door. Nope. They had a break-in. I went over and peered out the good door, and was amazed at the clear visibility out the door. These must have been some pretty brazen thieves. Those bad ass eyeglasses gangs! The door is in plane sight of a grocery story parking lot, several restaurants. Of course the smash-grab perps probably hit the joint in the wee hours … knew they had a couple of minutes before the alarms signaled the police.

“Happens all the time,” the proprietor said, and he added that he had been in the business 25 years and had been broken into five or six times. Who knew there was such a black market for designer frames. Interesting. He also said the thieves walked right past the most expensive frames and grabbed the more recognizable brands, although considerably less expensive … the ones with more brand loyalty, for easy resell on the street. Hell. He gets glasses stolen more often then I buy them. That would get on my last nerve.

By the way, the proprietor was a dapper Black man, with very stylish frames. I mention his race, because of something he said. Trust me, race matters not to me.

The store owner complimented me on a pair of sunglasses I was wearing, when I picked up the new specs. I said, thanks, and that “I should get some new prescription ones.” He said that he should sell me some. Nice comeback. Then he added …

“You people really need Polarization.”

“‘Exsqueeze’ me?

YOU PEOPLE?,” I repeated with dramatic flourish. Ha … I was just kidding, but I so had him …Nailed it! I thought it was funny, what he said. But, not knowing me, he started backpedaling … thinking I was offended. I was not. I was merely pointed out that if the roles had been reversed, this would have been an issue. He saw my point … not sure if he liked it or not.

He offered, “You people with blue eyes …” Ha. He was digging a deeper hole, and I was just smiling.

Anyway … I hope all people can learn to laugh at such unintentional oversights.



So I rode home and took my contacts out and put the new weapons on my face and headed to Starbucks, although it was tempting to go to the park and burn insects on the sidewalks … I digress …

As I pulled the Triumph up to Starbucks, some lady was in her car and about to open up a parking spot for me near the door. Or was she?

I straddled the bike watching and waiting as she sat in the car, reloading some lipstick on her puckered mouth, looking into the rearview mirror.

That’s when I contemplated a very significant observation of human behavior, concerning the “fairer sex.” Note: is it politically correct to say “fairer sex?” I care not.

So the observation and the curiosity about human behavior: If the woman was reloading lipstick, had she just finished smearing lipstick all over a coffee cup inside (meaning I would in fact get the parking spot) … or … or, was she “putting on her face” to go into Starbucks all bright and shiny (meaning I would have to keep straddling the motorcycle, waiting on another spot)?


I didn’t get the spot, but a few minutes later, I did get to see the new paint job as she and I were both in line together at “Bux.”

I couldn’t resist and had to share the parking/makeup conundrum with her — the PMC as it were — that she had created a few minutes earlier. Ha … she laughed and said she felt bad that I had been waiting out there on the bike. She had not seen me for a while, as she applied the new coat … a luxurious shade of red, I might add.

As luck would have it, there were only a few seats available in the coffee shop so she sat near me and we exchanged pleasantries as she read her book and I was trying to focus on objects around the coffeeshop, with my new face weapons.

“Hey, can you read that small line, over there on the menu board?” I aksed, totally interrupting her train of thought.”

I could see the wheels turning in her head, as she realized she was lucky enough to sit by one of the quirkiest people this side of Seinfeld reruns. But she was nice.

“Well yes, but I have 20/20 …” (Way to rub it in lady … I thought) … and I explained my question was not that bizarre, since i was test-driving my new glasses.

Well, I felt a little better when I noticed she had a pair of “readers” on the table beside her.

Ha … I saw a reflection of my glasses in the computer screen as we talked, and I thought my face looked like a washer and dryer, with those big old round glass doors in the front-load models … I digress.

The lady made a comment about her “readers” not being strong enough for close up viewing. At this point, I launched into a diatribe on vision.

“I know what you mean about not strong enough. I’m like The Who. I want to see forever, with my glasses. I want to see through walls. I want to see the future … thats how strong I want my glasses.”

She was scratching her head a little, as I continued …

“And why do people call their reading glasses “readers?” They ought to call them “leavers” because everyone I know forgets them and leaves them everywhere.

“And you know what I think? I think the cities should leave free glasses stations all over the city, like they do those bicycles that no one ever rides. Do you think maybe people would ride those bikes if they were not the traditional “girl bike” design, that NO ONE rides? I digress …

“Yes that’s it. There should be ‘reader’ stations around town, complete with sanitizer stations, for all of us who just can’t do the neck chain/glasses thing.”

Surpringly, she didn’t leave and she put up with my interruptions … she even got in a word or two.

Clearly, this was a fun day at Starbucks.

Know what I sayin?